So this morning I had to take my wife to work. I really don’t mind doing this. With my current job status (I have no real job at the moment, but that’s for another day) it can be the only time I go out in the real world daily. The reason for this morning’s trip was the three inches of wet heavy snow that fell from the sky which then changed over to sleet then to freezing rain. A regular potpourri of weather. Because I have a nimble all wheel drive vehicle I am elected to be the chauffer.
I had gone about a mile before it happened. The first driver to piss me off. This was a jerk in huge pick up truck with a plow that looked wider than the road. This nincompoop was talking his half of the road out of the middle and damn near creamed me. Plus he was driving like he was setting a lap record for the Daytona 500. I yelled “Get on your @%^&ing side of the road you @#$&ing idiot!” My wife said to me “Do you know you never drive anywhere without cursing at someone?”
I thought about this for just a second and then cleverly defended myself by saying “But he was in our lane!”
My wife just sighed and said “But aren’t they always?” I vowed to do less swearing at other drivers. My wife just rolled her eyes. She is known as the “Long suffering wife” because she puts up with me. A chore sometimes I am sure.
Our trip today included a stop to pick up the wife’s sister who works with her.
The roads really sucked. Some of them looked like they had been plowed and treated with anti-skid, some of them looked like they hadn’t been touched yet. It was on one of these as of yet pristine untouched roads that some new jerk in a SUV the size of my kitchen started to tailgate me. Now the road was mostly snow-covered except for the portions that were ice. Common sense, if not common courtesy would dictate a safe distance between motorized vehicles. This a+*hole in the SUV had neither of these commendable traits. I took it for about half a mile before I found a place to pull over and let the in-a-hurry jerk go by. As he passed by I said “Go ahead you idiot. Obviously you are in a big @#$%ing hurry.”
The wife turned to the sister and said “This go on with your husband too?”
“All the time.” was her reply.
“But he was tailgating me and the road is really icy.” I said in my defense.
“But you do the same thing when the road is bare and dry.” was my wife’s reply.
To this I had no response. Maybe there is something genetic in man’s makeup that prompts him to yell cuss words at other drivers. I know in my heart it does no good. They don’t hear me. The wife doesn’t care, I am not impressing her.
And the truth is I am MORE apt to scream obscenities at other drivers when I am all by myself behind the wheel. I am just glad there is no black box in my car that records all these explosions of profanity. But then again I might be able to use it for a rap song.
I had gone about a mile before it happened. The first driver to piss me off. This was a jerk in huge pick up truck with a plow that looked wider than the road. This nincompoop was talking his half of the road out of the middle and damn near creamed me. Plus he was driving like he was setting a lap record for the Daytona 500. I yelled “Get on your @%^&ing side of the road you @#$&ing idiot!” My wife said to me “Do you know you never drive anywhere without cursing at someone?”
I thought about this for just a second and then cleverly defended myself by saying “But he was in our lane!”
My wife just sighed and said “But aren’t they always?” I vowed to do less swearing at other drivers. My wife just rolled her eyes. She is known as the “Long suffering wife” because she puts up with me. A chore sometimes I am sure.
Our trip today included a stop to pick up the wife’s sister who works with her.
The roads really sucked. Some of them looked like they had been plowed and treated with anti-skid, some of them looked like they hadn’t been touched yet. It was on one of these as of yet pristine untouched roads that some new jerk in a SUV the size of my kitchen started to tailgate me. Now the road was mostly snow-covered except for the portions that were ice. Common sense, if not common courtesy would dictate a safe distance between motorized vehicles. This a+*hole in the SUV had neither of these commendable traits. I took it for about half a mile before I found a place to pull over and let the in-a-hurry jerk go by. As he passed by I said “Go ahead you idiot. Obviously you are in a big @#$%ing hurry.”
The wife turned to the sister and said “This go on with your husband too?”
“All the time.” was her reply.
“But he was tailgating me and the road is really icy.” I said in my defense.
“But you do the same thing when the road is bare and dry.” was my wife’s reply.
To this I had no response. Maybe there is something genetic in man’s makeup that prompts him to yell cuss words at other drivers. I know in my heart it does no good. They don’t hear me. The wife doesn’t care, I am not impressing her.
And the truth is I am MORE apt to scream obscenities at other drivers when I am all by myself behind the wheel. I am just glad there is no black box in my car that records all these explosions of profanity. But then again I might be able to use it for a rap song.
5 comments:
I have similar bouts of foul language while on road, specifically when the weather is as bad as it was this morning.
Picture this if you will:
It was freezing rain , there is about 4 inches of snow and tons of slush everywhere and water is backing up into lake sized pools in the middle of most of the roads.
You are driving up to one of these monsterous size floods and the depth appears to be over 2 feet.
Do you, slow down? Speed up? Stop and check your tire pressure?
YOU SPEED UP AND DRIVE THRU IT PEOPLE!!
So obviously the person in front of me slowed to a snails pace in their hundred year old volvo that they must have thought had a snorkel on it.
I see all sorts of steam and then nothing...they stalled...what a surprise.
Here i am stuck between an idiot in a volvo and a mansion sized suv behind me right in the middle of our own replica of the arctic sea....needless to say, if i had one of those black boxes in my car that you were talking about, well, i am sure there are laws against some of the things that came out of my mouth.
No, No, No. When someone is tailgaiting you, here's what you do. (ice or not). Very gradually SLOW down until you are doing, say, 15 miles under the speed limit. This makes them crazy and then they really ARE up-your-giggy. Then without actually applying brake pressure, tap the brakes to make the lights go on. If that doesn't work you may have to grab the brakes a little, the next time. Unless they are the Most Agressive Driver in the World, they will get the message and back off. And if they don't, remember, the Insurance Company says, if you rear-end another car, no matter why, it's YOUR FAULT>!!! HA!!!
it's certainly not a result of my good driving record, but after almost 10 years of living down south in Tennessee, i think i have been flipped off all of twice while driving. when-ever melissa and i go up north for the holidays, you'd think that we were ornithologists with the number of 'birds' we saw flipping our way.
now, of course we have no shortage of bad drivers down here... but they can be forgiven because most of them don't have licenses or insurance anyhow, what with them all being from Mexico.
i think that one of the funniest sights is to watch from behind a car as the driver slips into road rage, and then see one of those little Christian fishies on the back, or a bumper sticker that says something like 'in case of rapture, this car will be unmanned'. these folks are just as forgiven as the mexicans i suppose.
as for me... i am a horn honker. i don't find myself cussing folks out for cutting in front of me or passing me on the left in a parking lot... but i have a tendency of going for the horn to let them know that they are being asses, even if i'm not driving. i find that this annoys melissa to no end because she is such a passive driver, and will never 'let them know' when they've done something stupid.
Please note that Jim Rising who comments here is my first born. You can tel the difference because when I comment there is a stupid picture of me attached.
that'll teach yah for naming me after you!
i suppose i could comment anonymously. that could be fun. :)
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