A random look at the life and times of Jim Rising recovering radio addict and newspaper columnist.

Thursday, December 24, 2009

And so a decade ends

With the end of the year looming large in my sights and on the sites of the interwebs I am going to take the semi-obligatory look back upon the year that that was. Only with a twist. Herewith find the low hanging fruit that I found I couldn’t write about. Oh I could, but I did not. In other words here are some whines of 2009. Hey! It rhymes. These are the big stories that were on everyone’s minds and lips all year long. The ones that could not fail to bring a response from friends you know and anyone you meet. The ones that make me yawn.
The Luzerne County corruption polka. (To the tune of the hokey pokey) “You put your left hand in, you pull the money out, you put your right hand in, you pull more money out. You do the courthouse shakedown, you turn states evidence, that’s what it’s all about.” Honestly what more is to be said about a county so corrupt that even the prison barber was on the take. Hey folks, get over it. Corruption and government have been as close as white on rice since God was a boy. Check please.
It’s the economy, stupid. Yes it’s sucking worse than 10 thousand ORECK vacuum cleaners running all at the same time. Yes it is horrible to not have a job and run out of unemployment. Yes there are PHD’s flipping burgers and writers cleaning toilets. But this too shall pass. Sure the landscape will be littered with some hard cold places turned into smoke and ash, but we will survive.
Obama is a big disappointment. Many people thought “Yes we can” meant “Yes we will.” If will was all it took to fix the fix this country is in, then under every pile of horseshit would be a nest of ponies. Look on the bright side. This country survived Nixon for five years. Two times we elected him before it all came crashing down. We will survive.
Away with the manger or: How I learned to love the Crèche. I’d love to see what the Kings College student who brought the wrath of the ACLU upon the holiday decorations on the courthouse lawn has up in his dorm room. Or see him try to remove the flying Jesus from the Kings College building on River Street. Or didn’t he notice that? Honestly, on both sides of this issue, don’t we all have bigger three eyed fish from the Susquehanna to fry?

And finally…
Newswatch 16 is coming to WNEP 2. Even the News anchors and anchorettes are gritting their teeth when promoting this. Shoot me now!
I could be wrong.

Wednesday, December 23, 2009

It's hard to digest, but true

I wanted to write something heartwarming for Christmas. Instead this is what came out. There is nothing even remotely funny about this. No redeeming characteristics’ that I can discern for the persons that have now been found guilty. This has to be the one of the most disgusting crimes I have ever heard of or even imagined. In fact I can’t for the life of me imagine how you put yourself in a mindset that would allow you do this. What makes this all the worse is that the crime was perpetrated on a person who had faith and trust but not much in the way of recognizing harm done to them. When you feed feces and urine to a care-dependent person you are lower than low. You are lower than the crap and pee you doled out, calling it pudding and lemonade. Two Tunkhannock women did this to a mentally challenged person entrusted to their care. They pleaded guilty to this. They admitted that they gathered shit and put it in a bowl and called it pudding. They pissed in a glass and gave the pale yellow liquid to this poor unfortunate victim. How could you? Why would you? Please consider the fact that these misanthropes walk among us. Share our air. It boggles my mind. For their crimes the two low-life scum are awaiting sentencing. They could get a maximum of five years in prison and a $10,000 fine. Knowing the state of our justice system it won’t surprise me at all if they get a lighter sentence. I have a sentence in mind and I am not trying to make light of the situation but I feel the proper sentence is contained in this little parable: This guy dies and goes to Hell. The Devil meets him at the gates and says "There are 3 rooms here and you can choose which one you want to spend eternity in".
The Devil takes him to the first room where there were people hanging from the walls by their wrists in agony.
The Devil takes him to the second room where the people are being whipped with metal chains.
The Devil then opens the third door, and the man looks inside and sees loads of people sitting around, up to their waists in shit, drinking cups of tea.
The man decides instantly which room he is going to spend the rest of eternity in and chooses the last room. He goes into the third room, picks up his cup of tea and the Devil walks back in saying "Ok, guys, tea break's over, back on your heads.

I hope the tea is warm piss.

Merry Christmas Northeast Pennsylvania.

Sleigh Bells Ring!

The week of the Christmas frenzy. The last minute whirlwind that clogs the roads like Orson Welles arteries and makes every trip outside of the Rising Ranch a slow motion ballet. For most of the year I rarely venture from these four walls after nightfall. There are as many good reasons for this as there are stars in the evening sky. However for reasons we will leave unsaid I was on the roads last Friday. It will put things into crystal clear perspective if you recall that Saturday there was to be a huge snowstorm. As soon as I turned from my driveway I was behind a huge yellow highway department truck. It was traveling along at a sedate 25 miles per hour, spraying anti-skid on the road surface. It preceded me at this turtle pace until it turned off, five minutes from my destination. At least the roads would be safe on the chance that it actually snowed. Now at the store I was faced with the prospect of finding an item in this retail behemoth the size of the town I grew up in. Three different answers from three different harassed store employees led me on a merry chase around the entire establishment. Eventually I stumbled upon the item. The last one in the store, evidently, because after waiting a dogs age to get to the checkout person she looked doubtfully at “it” and used ten minutes of my life to find a price, a process which involved the three previous employees who had put me on my magical mystery tour. At last back in my car, nose pointed home. But it wasn’t in the stars that night. Holiday time brings out people, like me, who rarely drive, let alone travel at night. I got behind one of these road hazards. It was a Pontiac Bonneville from the 1970’s, about the size and shape of a railroad switch engine. I know the make model and year because I was behind it for a human gestation period. For some reason the operator of this monument to automotive excess was stopping dead every other block. In the middle of the road. I had no way to get around as the other lane was filled with jet powered SUV’s with the afterburners on. After five of these mystery stops the traffic behind me was backed up like a constipated boa constrictor that had recently dined on a cow. Then the car behind me began leaning on his horn. And the one behind that. And the one behind that, until an unlovely cacophony ensued. You know the rest. Of course “it”, the purpose of the trip, was wrong. But then again so was I.

Sunday, December 6, 2009

I NEVER post this stuff. Never say never.

The Return from Iraq - Return from Iraq

Next it will be the "After" Christmas ones

It’ll stop soon. I know it will. The first wave came in early November. Just a light one at the time. No real problem, we could pretty much just sweep it up. Towards the middle of the month it started to get serious. It seemed that it was steady every day. Then we went away over Thanksgiving and when we got back it was a deluge. Now every visit to the mailbox requires a wheelbarrow and several trips back and forth just to get the plethora of catalogues in the door. Yes it’s the time of the season for companies far and wide to break the mailman’s back and fill my garbage cans with shiny four color expensive profferings for pricey crap I will never buy. And you thought buying gifts was now done mostly on line? It’s to laugh judging by my stack from every vendor from Abercrombe & Fitch to Wine Enthusiast. It’s no secret how they get to me. I made a purchase with a credit card sometime, somewhere. That pretty much sealed my fate. My home address became the happy hunting ground for direct mailers of catalogs and it’s almost impossible to stop. Our address changed from an RR nearly ten years ago but I still get a catalog or two dozen sent to me that way. Let’s look at the Wine Enthusiast Holiday 2009 catalog. 65 pages of stuff. Oh look-something called a EuroCave wine cellar. STARTING at $6995. Just the thing for the cardboard box of wine I buy now and then. Abercrombe & Fitch? The largest size men’s jeans will fit ½ of me. They are “destroyed” and cost just $150. The “undestroyed” are only $90. I don’t get that at all and won’t get either. Here’s one that really threw me. In Bed Bath & Beyond’s offering (Motto: Beyond any store of its kind) they have two pages of kid’s toys. I guess that’s the beyond. One of the toys is a Kid ATM machine. I am not making this up. Features automatic bill feeder and coin counter-keeps a running total of savings and withdrawals and includes ATM Card. Only $19.99. That’s such a colossally stupid idea on so many levels it just blows my main circuit board to think about it. The caption about says it all: “Make your kid feel all grown up and in control of their money.” The slippery road to hell just got another coating of grease, I fear. One good thing about catalog season. Should we run out of oil for our furnace we can always make a bonfire in the yard with them. Kindling? L.L. Bean has a box of “Fatwood.” 10lbs for $39.95.