A random look at the life and times of Jim Rising recovering radio addict and newspaper columnist.

Wednesday, January 21, 2009

Baby it's....

So yeah. It’s cold outside as I write this. My little indoor outdoor thermometer says ten. There is a small minus sign on it. The long suffering wife looks at it and shaking her head says “No.” But yes it’s true. The old fashioned analog model on the porch confirms it. It’s ten freaking below!
As I headed out in sub zero weather the other day I stepped on the wooden steps leading to the garage. They made a noise like rifle shots. The garage door was very slow to open. It struggled for a while and finally groaned up complaining loudly all the way.
My windshield washer reservoir needed to be filled. The half full bottle from warmer days was now a block of blue ice. I find this out when I turn it upside down to pour it in and it makes a “clunk” sound. Didn’t know that stuff could freeze. So glad I found it out with a dirty windshield, an empty washer and minus ten.
The first person through the door at work said “I think my dashboard thermometer gauge is broken.” “Why?” I asked. “Because it says minus thirteen.”
Welcome to the winter of our discontent.
How cold was it? So cold I had to pry a dog off a fire hydrant. Rim shot please. How cold was it? If Flick from the “Christmas story” had planted his tongue on the flagpole today it would have never come off. It would be there until spring, a pink flag reminding us of the darkest days of winter.
At this temperature the milk of human kindness freezes solid in seconds. If I am outside for more than 30 seconds I want to kill. Not anyone in particular. Just everybody in general. Get out of my way, I’m cold!
The expensive oil in the tanks downstairs is evaporating like a cold beer on a hot summer’s day after cutting the grass. How I wish I was cutting the grass on a hot summer day. I look at the gauge on the oil tanks and envision the marks on the side in terms of 100 dollar bills. Look it just went down another $50! Our drafty old house is not energy efficient. At this time of year it’s energy deficient. I do know that it could be worse. I have family in Vermont.
25 below there. The other night my sister called. Seemed she had left a bottle of wine on the porch. Frozen so solid that the cork was forced halfway out.
I made a joke about ice wine but her concern was not drinking but would it explode if brought in the house? 58 days till spring. But then again I could be wrong.

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