A random look at the life and times of Jim Rising recovering radio addict and newspaper columnist.

Saturday, March 27, 2010


I haven’t gotten my census form yet. This really worries me for a number of reasons. First of all a lot of people I know (Well one actually) have gotten theirs. Why have I been left out? I don’t mean to go all existential here, but if I am not counted by the U.S. Gumm-mint, do I really exist? If I fall in the woods and no one hears, do I make a sound? So there is that problem. The other thing nagging me is that if I do not get it in the mail which costs the U.S. Gumm-mint 49 cents, then I will no doubt be visited by a census taker which costs $47. So please mail me one soon? Save money and possibly a census taker. You see if you do dispatch a census worker to my neck of the woods you have to beware. Not from me, you understand. Even though the Rising compound is far back in the woods and we no longer get visited by Jehovah’s witnesses after the “Incident” we mean no one any harm. Pay no attention to the killer attacking Red Squirrels, their bite is worse than their bark. Not the case for my demented neighbor. We know that he is stupid and mean but I am also 100% certain he is armed. You will recognize his driveway by the animal skulls (Cue ”Dueling Banjos” from the movie Deliverance) scattered there. That and the “Kill ‘em all, let God sort them out” bumper sticker on his pick-up truck. Good luck.

I peeked at the census form on-line. Most of the 10 questions seem to make sense. Some of them do not. Some seem just downright nosy. And some, like my neighbor, are just plain dumb as rocks stoo-pit.

The Gum-mint needs to know if I own my home or not? Nosy.

They need my name? They are supposed to count heads. Period. Nosy.

Why does the Gumm-mint need my phone number? Nosy

Questions eight and nine have to do with race. Number eight asks if you are “Hispanic, Latino or Spanish.” Question nine wants to know what you are with a long list of possibilities from “White” to “Samoan”. First of all should those questions be combined? And secondly what if I claim to be “American?” (Thanks to Rush Limbaugh). Dumb

But the capper-question seven wants my age on April 1, 2010 and then asks for my birth date including year. Now I am no rocket scientist but…if you know how old I am on 4/1/2010 a quick calculation can give you my birth year. And why does the Gumm-mint what my Birth date? Are they gonna send me a card?

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